So yes, in case you haven't figured it out, I survived the procedure. I survived with no complications, no mishaps, no oops. Guess that makes me ahead of the game.
Last Wednesday got here quickly enough and while I did sleep surprisingly well, I was up and showering before the alarm when off. By the time Donna was ready it was 5 AM and off we went to Shawnee Mission Medical Center for my date with Mr. Scalpel.
The check-in process was seamless and MJ, my Pre-Op nurse, was an absolute peach. She had a dry sense of humor and was marvelous at keeping us loose and having a laugh. When we found out that the surgeon had gone to the wrong hospital there was a few anxious moments but he arrived in plenty of time and was non-plussed on the goof-up so I didn't get too riled up either.
Right on time, they wheeled me up to the OR, I kissed Donna good-bye, said hi to the OR crew and they quickly put me into the big sleep (mostly so they didn't have to hear my ramblings as I was rather "relaxed" by that time.
The next thing I know they were walking me up - "on a level of 1 to 10 with 10 the highest, what's your pain level, Mr. King?" they kept asking. 152 seemed like a reasonable answer.
One aside, and sorry if this is a bit graphic, but during the procedure they installed a Foley catheter. I had never had one before but it definitely had it's advantages. Not worrying about going to the bathroom was really pretty nice. More later on some of the not-so-good sides but all-in-all I suspect there's about 75,000 Chiefs' fans that would love something like this each football Sunday. Just think about it.
The other wonderful device I discovered was the morphine pump. A small plunger that became my life-line during the next 48 hours. Pump it and you feel great, forget to pump it and you feel like shit - pretty simple concept. I didn't forget very often.
Wednesday was pretty much a blur - took me 45 minutes to write 2 small test messages to the kids and to Donna later that night. Kept falling asleep....must've been a really interesting text.
Thursday had me out of bed and that pretty much sucked but got over it with minimal moaning and groaning. Some other good news was removal of the catheter, some not so good news was removal of the catheter. Had to retrain the bladder and "dribbles" experienced were not the kind found on a basketball court.
I did learn an important safety tip - did you know that Vaseline is explosive? So is Oxygen. One of my (not so favorite) nurses was pretty upset that I was using Vaseline to handle chapped lips while also being hooked up to an O2 tube. Her line was something to the effect of "do you want to blow up your face?". So just let that be your important safety tip of the day - unless you DO want to blow up your face.
The remaining few days went by quickly - lots of naps, lots of interruptions for blood, vital signs, working with physical therapists, etc. Had a nice visit with friend Jay through it all.
And of course, I would be so remiss not to give a shout-out to Donna. She's been such a rock through this - someone I could lean on for anything. They say you don't get too many chances in life at finding "the one" - I know I've been blessed beyond what I deserve because of her. She is my shelter and I wouldn't be where I'm at without her. Thanks Babe!
I've rambled on for some time now but want to close with the 10 universal truths I've learned this past week. In no particular order, here they are -
1. When a nurse says "this won't hurt", don't believe it. And when they say "Now, take a deep breathe", you better grab on tight. Nuff said.
2. All modesty is instantly gone in the hospital. My private parts saw more fresh air than a freshman at a hazing party.
3. Your life becomes totally controlled by the availability to use the bathroom. Bathrooms are your lifeline to try and prevent something really embarrassing from happening. However, after a couple of said embarrassments, a couple more just don't really matter.
4. For some reason blood work draws can only happen at 5 AM while you're trying to sleep. I really feel sorry for the poor technicians. All of them start their jobs at 4 AM - how much fun can it be waking someone from a deep sleep only to begin sticking them with needles to find a few ounces of blood. They were at least all very pleasant, apologetic, and appreciative of any kindness offered their way.
5. Nurses are always right on time to take your vitals but show up missing when it's time for your meds. I don't think I missed a blood pressure or temperature taking but when the meds started to wear out or I buzzed for some bathroom assistance the responses were sometimes slow. I will say that all-in-all the nurses were angels and their degree of caring and compassion is above all other.
6. The morphine pump is one of God's greatest inventions. Being competitive that I am, I would try to time my next available pump (every 6 minutes) as close as possible. Like a junkie and his high, there's nothing quite as satisfying as hearing the "double beep" of a successful hit when the plunger was pushed. Kind of a drug-induced version of Russian Roulette. And if I feel asleep for a couple of hours, I got really good at playing catch up over the next 24 minutes to get back to a manageable level of pain.
7. The absolute worst day was day 6 of no BM activity - the absolute best day was late Monday night when the logjam finally broke! (Sorry for being so graphic). You think open back surgery is bad, try going for 6 straight days without taking a crap. I never felt terrible during the ride but I knew the day of reckoning was coming. Figured once I got home to familiar surroundings the body would rally - wrong! Lot's of swings and misses. Started trying anything and finally on day 6 the gates of Hell opened up. I thought just for an instant I would achieve earth orbit. For my wife, you truly are a saint. For the dog, you truly must be without smell. And for my neighbors, a hearty "I'm sorry" is all I can offer. Never, repeat never, mess with the BM - he is ruler of all.
8. Don't piss off the graveyard nurse - they hold your life in their fingertips. It might be just me but I get a little creeped out by the one person who can come into your room at any hour and slip whatever they want into our IV. I tried to be especially nice and oh yeah, tried to sleep with one eye open. Had visions of being "hobbled" by Kathy Bates - enough said.
9. "Escape from New York" with Snake Blitzkin is an awesome movie when you've just taken your narcotic meds. It's really an awesome movie anyway but some Valium just adds to the realism. By the way, if I die, I want to come back as Snake Blitzkin.
10. Thank every day you have your health. I saw lots of very sick people and thank my stars for my health and the great support system I have around me. You can't do it alone. Thanks to Shawnee Mission Medical Center, Dr. Streibinger, his P.A., Connie, and the rest of the staff at Neurosurgery Associates of Kansas. You all have my heartfelt thanks!
As my neighbor has now nicknamed me - signing off -
Nuts and Bolts King
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